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Archive for October 16th, 2006

FLORIDA BETWEEN HURRICANES

Last night was Fright Night in my Florida kitchen. All I wanted was a glass of water before bedtime. I grabbed my Flintstones jelly glass and shoved it under the water dispenser on the refrigerator. Just as the water began to shoot out I saw him—a saucer-sized swamp spider. So at midnight I’m sweeping pieces of Fred and Pebbles off the wet floor. The monster spider was still there and I was still thirsty. So it would be room temperature water from the faucet for me—and from a Dora plastic glass in the cupboard. Just as my fingers reached the glass, a Buick-sized Palmetto bug (we don’t have roaches in Florida) twitched his antenna. I swatted him with a fly swatter as the spider watched unperturbed. Then I picked Dora up off the floor, washed her off, filled her with tepid water, and took a sip. The spider watched as I turned out the light. “God,” I pleaded, ” please don’t let him pop out the ice dispenser tomorrow.”

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FORENSIC BURGER FLIPPER

All of a sudden it’s cool to be an accountant. Well, not any accountant; a forensic accountant. Admit it. You’re a lot more impressed with that “forensic” before the title. So I got to thinking, there are a lot of jobs that could use a little pumping up.

What do you do?

“I’m a forensic burger flipper. How do you think we know what’s in one of those ‘all meat’ patties?”

“I’m a forensic cellmate. Never know when I might have to turn ‘snitch’.”

Of course, you know forensic simply means your end product—and you—might end up testifying in court about what you know. That being the case, perhaps if lawyers called themselves forensic attorneys they’d get the respect that has often eluded them———no, words don’t have that much power.

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